How do you handle conflict? Do you avoid it at all costs? See it as demoralizing and fearful? Or might you perceive conflict as an opportunity for growth and a strengthening of bonds? The Bible has a compelling story of creative conflict management in 2 Samuel 17. Take a moment to read the story of two hot-heads, David and Nabal, and one creative thinker, negotiator and communicator named Abigail.
When Nabal is asked by King David’s servants for a hand-out, he reacts by insulting the king, refusing to meet their desperate need for food. David does not stop to think, pray, or assess the situation. He, like Nabal, puts his foot on the emotional gas and threatens to leave no son of his alive because of this drunken fool’s refusal. When Abigail learns that death now threatens her family, she calmly stays in touch with her feelings and carefully considers how to respond. Abigail empathizes with David’s plight, staying calm, non-defensive and respectful when she takes food to David.
She faces the conflict head-on, but respectfully seeks a win-win for both her family and for David, refusing to be paralyzed by anger or fear. Then this resourceful woman communicates to David that the blood-shed he is contemplating is going to hurt his relationship with God then asks the king to forgive her husband and to hold nothing against her. Abigail boldly advocates for herself asking David to remember her when the conflict is resolved.
You and I can benefit from Abigail’s conflict-resolutions skills if we are willing to ask the Holy Spirit to help us put the following strategies into practice:
- Let go of the need to win or be declared right. We can effectively handle conflict when our goal is the restoration of relationship, not winning. We need to be reminded that God loves us whether we are top dog or not.
- Let go of the past. Focus on the present, not past grudges, so that what can be done in the here-and-now isn’t lost in chaotic memories.
- Let go of the need for revenge. We can resolve conflict if we release the urge to punish and if we are willing renounce the following: dwelling on the incident, bringing it up again, re-hashing the incident with others, and letting the incident stand between us and others.
- Let go and disengage when a discussion is not fruitful. We can often try again especially after learning better communication skills and seeking the help of professionals in this area.
- Let go of the need to handle conflict without help. God is happy to give us wisdom and discernment when we ask Him for help in hard-to-have conversations. We can ask God for a strengthening of our character for stronger conflict resolution skills and for safe others to guide us.
Any conflict has the potential to teach us about ourselves and deepen our understanding and empathy for others. As you and I are willing to work with God and safe others on our own issues, we will learn to respectfully approach others when conflicts arise. God’s desire is always the re-creation of deep and healthy connections in our relationships.
For further reading:
- Ephesians 4:32
- Matthew 6:14
- Proverbs 15:1, 2, 4, 18, 22, 28, 32
BY: Stephanie Murillo
[Art Note: Painting is oil on panel by Sir Peter Paul Rubens entitled The Meeting of David and Abigail circa 1630.]
Grow Anyway 