Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
[James 5:16 NIV]
The Sovereign LORD has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.
[Isaiah 50:4 NIV]
How would you rate your apology skills? Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Languages of Apology, believes that a good apology contains the following five elements:
- I’m sorry.
- I was wrong.
- Please forgive me.
- I’ll try not to do it again.
- What can I do to make it right?
I grew up with a close family member who could never say the words, “I’m sorry.” Her strategy for dealing with those she offended was to withdraw, wait for the strong feelings to subside, then pick up the relationship as if nothing had ever happened. Because she was such a prominent person in my life, I subconsciously internalized some of her strategies. I didn’t have many apology tools in my toolbox, and I did not have a strong standing in the grace and forgiveness of God that could have broken down my fierce defensive approach to every relationship. Learning to say, “I’m sorry,” without the bottom dropping out of my world has been a long process.
What I didn’t understand is that there is more than one way to feel sorry. Sometimes feeling sorry focuses on getting relief from the pain of feeling our badness instead of prioritizing the restoration of relationship with God and those we have offended. Some sorrow focuses only on trying harder with the same old strategies instead of training to work out the details of a healthy change. Some sorrow focuses on an angry, condemning conscience instead of looking to the grace of Jesus Christ for forgiveness and a do-over. Some sorrowful people, like my family member, hide from judgment from any source. Other sorrowful people are open to assessment from God, self and safe others because they have learned that this evaluation is based on God’s grace, mercy, and love. One kind of sorrow seeks relief from guilt; this is worldly sorrow, which always ends in regret. However, godly sorrow seeks true change, healed relationships, and a maturing life based on the principles Jesus brought to us.
We can see godly sorrow and worldly sorrow play out in 1 Samuel 24:1-22. David, hiding in the same cave where Saul goes to take a time-out, sneaks up on his king to cut off a piece of the hem of Saul’s robe. But then David’s conscience begins to bother him and he recognizes that not only has he offended “the Lord’s anointed,” he has disobeyed God in the process (1 Samuel 24:6). David has a godly sorrow that keeps his eyes on God and prevents him from harming the king (1 Samuel 24:8-15). David, though he does not follow his men’s advice to kill his adversary, still embarrasses Saul but cutting off a piece of his garment. He realizes God is not pleased and offers his king a heart-felt apology. This is how godly sorrow works! Saul, on the other hand, maintains a relentless focus only on himself. He weeps sorrowful tears, but makes no changes to the course of his paranoid jealousy. King Saul’s worldly sorrow produces an endless cycle of broken relationships in his life, a life that is soaked in regret.
Despite Saul’s tears and David’s remorse, both men have a missing piece in their interactions with one another. They do a lot of talking, but not much listening. What we say to each other when making an apology should only take up about ten percent of the conversation. Listening to one another should take up the remaining ninety percent. Why is this ratio so important? If we do all the talking when apologizing, we can actually further wound someone we have already hurt. King Saul could have asked, “How has my sin impacted you?” then started listening. As he discovered David’s heart, he could have seen their disconnect through this young man’s eyes, rather than listening only to poke holes in David’s argument, find a quick fix, convince David to “get past it,” or stop any whining. If both had listened to understand the hurt each had caused, apologized specifically for what they both heard from one another, then followed through with healthy changes, they could have taken significant steps toward reconciliation.
Listening to understand is a hallmark of godly sorrow, a process that might take more than one session because we should never force a response from someone we have hurt. Like other skills, listening with the intention of truly understanding and putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, takes a great deal of practice, committed prayer, perhaps some counseling, and the energy and coaching of God’s Holy Spirit to see the process through to mastery. This sounds daunting, but take heart! God has an ocean of grace in which to drown our defensiveness and despair at being the villain in someone else’s story. Is this part of your life available to His grace? Are you willing to ask God to make you a better listener and sharpen your apology skills?
Let’s pray.
Abba, my Daddy God,
Please help me to apologize effectively from my heart. Show me where I have worldly sorrow instead of godly sorrow so that I can live free of these destructive patterns in my life. Help me to be a better listener. Open me up to Your loving grace for I need to come out of hiding to receive Your healing in this area of my life. Thank You for not being mad at me about this because Jesus took my sin and shame and paid for it in my place on the cross. Amen.
Grow Anyway 